Being christian

It’s my self-explanation. I am not aware of ‘me’ as separate from the space around. I feel like a part of something else. I wonder what that something is; whether it’s animate, thoughtful, or nothing at all. I enjoy feeling ‘created.’ I might even require that sensation, and I look for the purpose in it. I want that purpose to be ‘good’ – I like to imagine everyone – everyone – in the world suffused with the sort of happiness I suppose we all feel when we feel ‘good.’ I think of God as the intention behind eventually creating that, through the mechanism of people doing it themselves.

There’s more, though. I’m persuaded there’s an intention specifically directed toward me, toward you, toward all of us, with thoroughly individual comprehension and compassion. I’m aware of Jesus Christ as a friend and mentor (sometimes my only friend). I don’t know how he came here, but I think he’s got direct contact with what God is. I’ve simply never had a consciousness without him.

But those closest to me do not share my faith, so it’s rarely a pleasure discussing it. More, I feel my convictions have failed me. The entire purpose of my hope in Christ is for enthusiasm and kindness; if I believe truly, then, people should see it in me. This thing that sustains and encourages me should show up in how I act – I should be attractive to be around. Yet this is not so.

I feel I’m groping about a world full of people quite unlike myself, without my sensation of belonging to a larger part; without my joy in feeling ‘created;’ without my need for a sense of purpose. I see them – I live with them – and I love them. I find myself wanting to be like them. I am trying to explore what the rest of you are.


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