I care

One day, I woke up and being who I am was painful to those around me. It happened because I discovered something I wanted, or I changed my mind about some ideas I had. I don’t know how it happened, really. The important thing is, people who relied on my behaving like myself now find out I’m somebody else. Today, I don’t think I’m going to change (again).

What I can do is: care for the people I love. My first thought was to clarify the new rules; all the new requirements that make up the new me. But I find I’m not about rules and requirements. Those seem to vaporize upon declaration. Unless I am going, somehow, simply not to be me, then here I am. This is scary and hard. I’m afraid of things that can hurt. I think I might lose so much. I try to set up agreements to protect myself. But when I lost my anchor, we all came unmoored. Everything we each most fear may very well happen. It’s either dispute who I am, or live with that. In the end, there will be no dispute.

It’s a little sad and it’s a little lonely, but it’s solid. Maybe it’s just knowing I’m going to die, and I want to hold my face up to God and say, “here, when I finally recognized myself, I was true to it.”

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